A bit of (unoriginal) Christmas story

As performed by the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company, Dec. 22 and 23, 2007:

The Legend of the Poinsettia
By Brad Strickland

Characters
*
Announcer
Staffer
Biblical Narrator [Charlton Heston-like voice]
Balthasar, a wise man
Caspar, a wise man
Melchior, a wise man
Irving, a wise man
Mary
Frankincense, a Karloffian gift
*
Music: “Good King Wenceslas,” with jingle bells. FADE UNDER:

ANNOUNCER:
Really gets you in the holiday spirit, doesn’t it? Now, one of our listeners, Mrs. Louisa Phlegm of—

STAFFER:
[URGENT WHISPER] Flynn!

ANNOUNCER:
--Louisa FLYNN, of Daylonega—

STAFFER:
[URGENT WHISPER] Dahlonega!

ANNOUNCER:
--of DUHLONEGA, has wroten in to ask—

STAFFER:
[URGENT WHISPER] Written, you idiot!

ANNOUNCER:
--has WRITTEN YOU IDIOT in to ask—

STAFFER:
[ANGRY] Oh, give me that!

SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER AS STAFFER GRABS THE SCRIPT

ANNOUNCER:
Not in the face! Not in the face!

SFX: ANNOUNCER THWACKED WITH SCRIPT

STAFFER:
Mrs. Flynn asks “Can you tell us how the poinsettia came to be associated with Christmas?” Well, of course we can, Mrs. Louisa Flynn. We will tell you in a radio drama, “The Legend of the Poinsettia.” Music, please.

SFX: “DECK THE HALLS” PLAYED ON KAZOOS, FADING UNDER:

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
Now, it came to pass in the days when the Wise Men were journeying, yea, even unto Bethlehem, that they came bearing gifts. Balthasar bore unto the babe a gift of gold; and Caspar bore unto the babe a gift of frankincense; and Melchior bore unto the babe a gift of myrrh…and Irving bore unto the babe a gift of a poinsettia.

BALTHASAR:
Iriving, yea, verily, I ask unto thee, what’s with the plant? Don’t you know those things are poison? What, you want the Messiah to drop dead at the age of twelve days? What are you thinking?

IRVING:
Look, Balthasar, will you shut up about the plant already? Look, excuse me, we can’t all just go, “Have some gold, here’s a couple ingots for the kid.” Besides, I think it’s very attractive. It’s a plant. It’s nice! It’s red.

MELCHIOR:
Brother, hast thou thought this through? Is thy gift appropriate?

IRVING:
Appropriate? How appropriate is freakin’ MYRRH, Melchior? In fact, what the heck IS myrrh? Do you even know? Besides, I’m talkin’ a good-looking plant here. It’s RED. I mean, after the holidays they can maybe set it out in the yard.

CASPAR:
Yea, verily, and poison all the neighbors’ dogs? Oh, that will make him REAL popular.

IRVING:
Excuse me, Caspar, but I happen to think my gift is MORE appropriate than your stupid frankincense. I mean, you’re gonna scare the kid, that thing with the bolts in his neck.

BALTHASAR:
Lo, I say unto thee, that gift is poisonous! And anyway, it’s cheap.

CASPAR:
I don’t get that bolts-in-the-neck crack.

IRVING:
Cheap? CHEAP? Oh, great, kick a guy because he got rushed and had to pick out the gift in a hurry. Look, YOU were the one told me we couldn’t all bring gold! Besides, I was GONNA bring Godiva chocolates before Mr. He-might-be-allergic here got his undies in a knot—

MELCHIOR:
Verily, we do not want the babe to break out in hives.

CASPAR:
Little scar on the forehead, you can hardly see it, couple bolts, he makes it a Federal case or something—

IRVING:
Look, for a plant, this is a NICE plant. It’s RED!

BALTHASAR:
Irving, verily, ditch the stupid plant.

WISE MEN SQUABBLE AD LIB FOR A FEW SECONDS

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
[OVERRIDING THEM]: And lo, their contention did last far into the night, when the Angel of the Lord appeared unto them, and they were sore and afraid. And behold, the Angel spake unto them and did say,

ANGEL:
[COULD BE BROOKLYNESE]: Yo! Let’s get a MOVE on, gentlemen, these people have to catch an ass to Egypt, and you know what security’s like these days!

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
And verily, Balthasar did wax wroth, and Irving did wax miffed—

IRVING:
Mightily miffed.

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
--and great was the miffage thereof. And yea, in the end, Irving did refuse to go at all. But the other three Wise Men did bring unto the babe their gifts of gold—

MARY:
Oh, how nice. Thank you.

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
--and frankincense—

MARY:
[NONPLUSSED]: Why, um, thank you. You really shouldn’t have. Um. Thank you.

FRANKINCENSE:
GRRRR….Manger….gooood!

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
--and myrrh.

MARY:
Oh, we were HOPING that someone would give us some murp.

MELCHIOR:
Well, you’re welcome. Enjoy your MYRRH.

MARY:
…myrrh, I meant, of course. Thank you.

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
And on the third day did Mary exchange the Frankenstein for frankincense, and everyone was happy. But Irving, to prove a point, did eat of the poinsettia, and lo, he did not surely die—
IRVING:
[NAUSEATED]: But I wouldn’t do it again on a bet. [RETCHES PITIFULLY]

BIBLICAL NARRATOR:
And great was the ralphage thereof. And so today, the poinsettia has come to represent the spirit of a Christmas family get-together. And now, may it be said of all of us, as Irving himself observed—

IRVING:
Myrrh? The heck IS myrrh, anyway? I’ll tell you one thing, it ain’t red! But what IS it? Anybody know? Anybody?

MUSIC: “JINGLE BELLS” ON SEAL HORNS